When I find the astrologer who will not bother using her predictive powers for the forces of good, but rather just tell the damn truth, I’ll start paying her very good money.

For instance: I’m tired of the generic “This is a good month for love.”

It’s ALWAYS a good month for love. What about ME?

“Wealth is on your mind, and you’ll find yourself surprised.”

Wealth is often on my mind, yes — much like the rest of America. And I usually do manage to find myself surprised at least once in the day, but it usually has nothing to do with money.

What I’m waiting for is this:

“You’ve got death and destruction on your mind, and why not? People suck, and you know it. If there’s ever a time to stop thinking and just act, this is it; the stars are on your side, and for the next twelve hours, you might even get away with murder.”

See, this shows up in my email, and I’m automatically thinking that they love to use cliched phrases like “get away with murder.” Nostradamus meets Hallmark. Predictions for the cleverness impaired.

But damn, if they really menat it?

Nancy Reagan would have NOTHING on me.