Regarding red hair: it’s been far too long.

Regarding Redsong: the mix is rough, rough, ruff, roll me over now, but I think the arrangement is exactly what I wanted, and I does believes that Eric will be happy with it, as well (the really important part).

Regarding red… okay, I lied. Only two red things.

And on other fronts, it’s amazing how things fall into place sometimes.

I tell myself that I will stop looking, stop acting, start adjusting; and I do, sort of, or at least I feel like I’m well on my way. I’m playing by my own self-enforced rules, and though there are some roughs spots (and I’m obviously self-medicating, trying to do too many things in order to distract myself — though admittedly it’s a lot healthier than alcohol as a red herring), I’m getting through okay.

And as of last week, I find myself fighting promises I’ve made, rules I’ve made, boundaries I’ve set in place.

But as expectations fall away, and realizations about content come to the surface, I start to realize that those rules are stupid. Sure, there’s some adjustment internally to be made; if not, history repeats itself, and I’m tired of being in that loop. But…

But. There’s the key word.

I’m walking through the day surprised at myself, unable to think straight, fidgety, ready for the night to arrive. And none of this is surprising, except that I had thought that a part of the past, dead to the bitterness I’ve gathered and stored.

I had decided a while back that people with whom I shared mutual surface interests were not all that great. And I still stick to that, but I’m reminded that there are no rules, only expectations. Tattoos, comic books, horror movies, the English language…

If she’s not so bad, then that means I’m not so bad, either, hunh?

Amazing how a negative view of others with commonalities to oneself can affect self-image. And equally amazing, and wonderful as well, how finding someone who breaks that stereotype can boost the mirror image.

That’s just knowing that they’re out there. And there’s so much more than that.

…

Things feel as though they are falling into place across the board — not necessarily at the top of the chain, but at least another rung on the ladder, another step forward. And while I remain constantly aware that this is just another wave in a repeating series – well, at least it’s the apex ahead of me.

I’ll worry about the break when it comes.