PATTON OSWALT SPEW December 2005: “If you come a-caroling to my house, you’re going to get yanked inside, strapped to a bed of pine trees, and force-fed a gallon of hot wassail while I recite the screenplay to IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE. We’ll laugh and laugh and scream and you’ll be so bursting with Christmas cheer you’ll beg me to scamper off and find a linoleum knife. ‘You’ve got to help me share all this Christmas cheer with the rest of the world!’ you’ll gurgle. Then I’m going to cut you open and make entrail angels all over the floor!”