it is no longer an isolated event
something that we are safe from
if we live in a small town
if we are in a house of worship
if we are middle-aged and live a quiet life
if we are young children obtaining an education

it is so commonplace that new cycles
don’t have a chance to complete
before another incident takes the place of the previous

we no longer know names
or circumstances
of victims
or purveyors of American carnage

(gods forbid that you should be traveling in coach:
non-white
non-Christian
non-cisgendered
non-hetero
non-rich
non-powerful)

a small but powerful minority
the greed visible in the whites of their eyes
holds a nation hostage
for the sake of filling their pockets
and cementing their egos

and our parents and grandparents and aunts and uncles
and cousins and friends and neighbors
and goddamnit our fucking children
have no chance to say goodbye
and still we do nothing

---

I am tired
tired of feeling sad
tired of feeling helpless
tired of feeling trapped with no recourse
tired of my anger overflowing and
pushing me closer to the low road

but I am also blessed
beyond words
beyond my ability to describe
far beyond what I would think I deserve
with a partner like her

a partner (a friend) who listens to me without judgment
or complaint
a partner (a friend) who I can be completely open and honest
and myself
even in the worst of my moments
a partner (a friend) who just by being who she is
can make me forget the tumult and negativity
put me in the eye of the hurricane of the world
if only for a moment
if only for days at a time

little things
like Post-It notes on the door that I don’t see for days
songs labelled with “(lyrics)”
distracting videos
of cats
of ridiculous humans
of roosters screaming in her backyard

and so this is a prayer of thanks
to her
to let her know how much she means
how much she is
to me
especially next to me in the darkness

no waiting to pray to a fantasy
not this day