Jesus, am I really about to quote Tom Petty? Publicly? Really?

Oh, god, someone stop me. Cause I can’t stop myself:

Well yeah I might have chased a couple of women around
All it ever got me was down
Then there were those that made me feel good
But never as good as I feel right now
Baby you’re the only one that’s ever known how
To make me wanna live like I wanna live now

Shit yeah, I went there.

I’ve spent my life doing things the wrong way. That’s what I’m reminded continously, though. I can’t be thirty four and still acting like this, staying up until all hours of the morning, dressing like I do, growing out my hair and never really knowing what color it was originally.Maybe I’m not wrong, though. Maybe it’s the rest of you that are. Everyone used to think that Galileo was wrong and that everything else revolved around the Earth. People used to think that the Earth was flat. I know people — I can name names, bitches — that thought the second Star Wars trilogy would be worth a damn.

But maybe we’re both right. Is it possible that some people are meant to live “normal” lives, and some of us aren’t? That you can wear your suit and go to work at 8 AM and settle for far less than you ever dreamed of, and that’s okay — but that I can wear whatever grabs my eye that morning, and I can keep looking for my life’s pursuit, and I can refuse to be content with anything less than what I’ve always hoped for? And maybe we can both be okay?

Sure, that’s possible. I think it’s true, even better. You live your way, I’ll live mine, and we can shoot quizzical looks at each other when we think the other is crazy for living that way.

One thing that I do “wrong” and always have is dive into things headfirst. And I know the problems with that. I’ve documented them here. But you know what? By doing so, I’ve lived. I mean, really lived. It’s hedonistic, fine. But I feel that I’ve milked every moment from every situation I’ve been in, and you’ll never catch me saying that I wish that I had pushed things a little farther, or had a little more time so that I could get around to enjoying a moment for all it had.

Yes, I’m talking about relationships. And I’m to this day being criticised in some quarters by people who tell me that I shouldn’t be jumping in wholeheartedly as I am wont to do. I know that some people are concerned for my feelings, and I know that other people see this behavior as cheapening my feelings, making them somewhat or somehow less than I think they are.We’re all entitled to our opinions. But mine are right. So there.

At the same time, I’m fascinated in a very academic way by the whole dating thing. I don’t get it. I don’t understand how you can’t want to spend every waking moment with someone that you’re interested in, how you can not be tempted to blow off work or prior engagements or sleep to be with that someone who has caught your eyes.Or maybe you all do want this, and I just have the self-discipline of a three year old; I’m not discounting that idea, either.

But me, I can’t date. I’m never interested in multiple people, and I can’t imagine investing time and energy across more than one woman. Of course, I’m extremely picky, and I think (mostly) I can spot immediately if I’m interested in you on more than a physical level, so it’s easy to rule most women out without even a single date.

That, and I have the self-discipline of a three-year-old. Impulse control is not one of my strengths. If I’m interested in spending all my time with a new romance, I will, as my long-time friends will probably bitterly attest. But that’s me. Do it goes.

There’s this woman; I’ll call her Red, for some semblance of anonymity on her part. You’ve read her name here, and you might have seen her around. She’s a beautiful spirit, and a beautiful creature. She’s got a lot of spirit, a lot of quirks, and a lot to offer the world. She’s also extraordinarily appreciative; she recognizes the little things and shows it, and the big things too. I didn’t even realize how important a lot of things were to me, how hard I’ve been searching for certain qualities in a woman, until I spent some time with her.

Who knows where it’s going? It’s going forward, where it will; the universe unfolds as it should. But I have faith that it’s going in the direction that I hope it will. She says that she’s like me, that she’s a headfirst diver, but that she wants to take things slow. And she has good and valid reasons for wanting to do so.

And it’s not easy; this is opposite of what I know, of what I’ve always known.I’m willing to chance things, though, to risk that I may invest my heart and soul to an uncertain wind, because she’s unflinchingly honest and, bless her heart, communicative. She’s been up front about everything, and equally important, understanding of my insecurities and emotional muscle memory. Those are rare qualities in the humans that I meet everyday, and they mean the world to me.

As hard as it is for me, given that I’ve known differently for so long, I would wait for her as long as I have to, becuase I think the good things are worth waiting for. Is this some sort of message from the universe? God, all that stuff I say about the universe could be total blather; it’s the closest I come to faith in a higher power, but I have no idea, really. But maybe, just maybe, this is my time to learn that maybe patience isn’t a wasted virtue, that maybe there’s a reward for waiting instead of pain.

I wait, because she’s worth waiting for. And even if it all falls apart, I’ve spent as much time as I could with a person who is one of the best people I’ve ever known, and loved every moment so far.