when i call you beautiful

when i call you beautiful
what do you hear?

when i call you beautiful,
do you hear me talking about your surface
your exterior
your outer shell?
am i complimenting your smile
so radiant and infectious
your eyes
supernovae, like staring directly into the face of god
your porcelain skin
soft as cool satin breeze in summer
your fingers
electric soothing touch
your body
a shape that fits against mine, a tantalizing view?

do you think me shallow
(because I am, at times, on levels)
or is it flattering, deep praise that touches your core
(because it is, at times, on levels)

when i call you beautiful
do you understand that i am paying respect to
your choral voice
your joyous laugh
your humor, as dark and irreverent as my interior monologue
your intelligence and creativity
your determination and ambition
your empathy and concern and care for others
your endless well of literary and lyrical references
your country music
your memes
your competitive spirit
your night twitches and one-sided conversations
your everything i have yet to discover?

do you think me sappy and overly rose-visioned
(because i am, at times, on levels)
or do you know that i’m speaking from a place that strains for language
(because i am, most times, on most levels)

when i call you beautiful
do you see that i’m saying that i love you
that i love all these things about you and more
that i love the good and the bad
that every time i’m around you, i want to tell you all this
like teenagers studying for an exam
until you know it all by heart

it’s a catch-all statement, i know, and i’m not proud to admit it
(most times, on most levels)
and i should never hesitate to tell you any and all of this
but maybe that’s why these words
to explain what i mean
when i call you beautiful

i wish i was there for the sunrise

i wish i was there for the sunrise
rainbow shards my window creates
dancing across your porcelain freckled skin
your eyes and fingertips twitching like they do
pondering our first word
tracing your shape with my hands
shivering above the touch of you

i wish i was there for the morning
waking to the sound of your laughter
or hearing you whisper that you love me
that first kiss of the new day
that first touch
all these whetting my appetite
for the hours in front of me

i wish i was there for the weekend
fresh warmth of coffee
your scent a blanket i wear smiling
sharing crosswords
making and abandoning plans
ultimately content in your arms
under my sheets

i wish I was there for the sunset
pouring first drinks
wines and bourbons
choosing games
and talking, always talking
and laughing, always laughing
and connecting, always connecting

i wish i was there for the starshine
sharing music
sharing histories
sharing secrets and promises and bodies
raw naked openness
levels of connection
never before experienced

whenever i’m away from you,
i wish i was there

how many stars

how many stars are in the sky
she asks gently
breath on my cheek but light years away
counting
one by one by one
blades of infinite grass combed by
paintbrush fingers

child believed the night sky
just another illusion
sleeping sun
a blanket with pinholes
ever to be carried away by dawn

how many stars are in the sky
she questions raptly
travelling from one galaxy
across the universe
tallying silently so not to disturb
the sleeping birds and trees
i am hypnotized by her satin lips counting
and want nothing more in the now
than to feel them on mine.

it is always now
a fourth-dimension prank
forward and backward meaningless
different names for the same direction
except to memories and dreams
a parlor trick of the universe

how many stars are in the sky
she murmurs, sleeping
naked skin hugged tightly to mine
dreaming kitten twitches,
whispers questions in alien tongue
she in her curious travels
a waking vision from which i cannot turn away

revelation, a gift of knowledge
dreams can bend
like water
holds no memory
neither manipulative illusion nor trick of misdirection
but true magic
cause and effect unbound by physics

how many stars are in the sky
she asks childlike
smile exploding darkness
eyes ablaze with wonder and joy
under her spell
i count exactly one

file under: things that should be remembered (pt iv)

When You Are Old

When you are old and grey and full of sleep,
And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;

How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true,
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face;

And bending down beside the glowing bars,
Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled
And paced upon the mountains overhead
And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.

– William Butler Yeats
Source: The Collected Poems of W. B. Yeats (1989)

file under: things that should be remembered (pt iii)

Variations on the World Love

This is a word we use to plug
holes with. It’s the right size for those warm
blanks in speech, for those red heart-
shaped vacancies on the page that look nothing
like real hearts. Add lace
and you can sell
it. We insert it also in the one empty
space on the printed form
that comes with no instructions. There are whole
magazines with not much in them
but the word love, you can
rub it all over your body and you
can cook with it too. How do we know
it isn’t what goes on at the cool
debaucheries of slugs under damp
pieces of cardboard? As for the weed-
seedlings nosing their tough snouts up
among the lettuces, they shout it.
Love! Love! sing the soldiers, raising
their glittering knives in salute.

Then there’s the two
of us. This word
is far too short for us, it has only
four letters, too sparse
to fill those deep bare
vacuums between the stars
that press on us with their deafness.
It’s not love we don’t wish
to fall into, but that fear.
this word is not enough but it will
have to do. It’s a single
vowel in this metallic
silence, a mouth that says
O again and again in wonder
and pain, a breath, a finger
grip on a cliffside. You can
hold on or let go.

– Margaret Atwood

rebirth: on wasted education and second chances

For the last eight years, a thought has haunted me: that there is possibly nothing sadder, more tragic, cripplingly awful, than having obtained rare and important knowledge through experience, painful experience, blood and sweat and tears and agonizing self-inventory… only for the situations to do things right never to happen again.

I used to relate the concept to that of the quarterback who spends his entire career (and likely the better part of his life) who finally makes it to the Super Bowl, and makes a mistake that costs the team the championship, but learns from that and practices and studies and works impossibly hard to correct his technique and mindset, only to suffer a career ending injury in the first game of the next season.

I’ve spent my life in pursuit of knowledge. Sometimes the knowledge is book knowledge in whatever specific arena my ADD-riddled squirrel brain picks — music, astronomy, literature. Much more is experiential, especially concerning myself.

In my early twenties, I found myself very suddenly without any idea of who I was (coming out of a badly co-dependent relationship, where I had become convinced that I needed to be someone entirely different than myself to make her happy). It was truly the hardest time of my life (thanks, clinical depression!), but turns out in hindsight that hitting rock bottom means that you have nowhere to go but up. I was able to rediscover who and more importantly why I am, to discard the parts of me that weren’t valuable or meaningful or joyful, to redefine myself as I wanted to be seen, as opposed to how I thought others wanted to see me.

My last relationship was wonderful for my learning. I had developed some bad traits over my last marriage, and was completely unaware of them until M pointed them out to me. And some of those traits led to absolutely horrible, brutal fights, which eventually led to us splitting (but still remaining close friends, thankfully). But those fights, as awful and in some ways scarring as they were, led me to learning – about myself, about relating to others, about what I want and need and how to communicate better.

And then… I spent nearly a decade alone, and that thought – of wasted knowledge – would creep in often.

Look, there’s gonna be a final everything, and eventually unused knowledge. On a long enough timescale, the survivability rate of everything is reduced to zero. There will be a last song heard, a last book read, a final sentence written, one last ‘I love you’ spoken and meant. I know this in my logical brain, but my primal lizard headmeat fights it tooth and claw.

But in my current case, I’ve been given a second chance, and I’m grateful beyond expression to the universe for that. And like the fabled Phoenix (or in my case, her distant relative the Dumpster Phoenix), I will treat it as my last — using all my learned knowledge to make it the best it can be, and to learn everything I can to make it even better still.

On the nature of time, perspective, and self-awareness

”One of the most important things in life is to have people who care about you, and you care about, you know… Love is the magic word, it is, you know? If it wasn’t for love I wouldn’t be here today”
– Our Lady Peace, ‘Mettle’

I’ve been — accused? called out? give it a name — of taking things with Natalie too fast. And that statement (and the concept behind it) confuses me to no end.

First and foremost, this is me. I am the way I am, and I’ve spent enough time self-analyzing to know why I do the things that I do, and to have changed the behaviors that I don’t like, don’t work for me, don’t make me happy. I’m not sure why people continue to question this about me (I have theories, sure, but the more I know, the more I’m certain I have no a clue about).

But on a exterior note: this moment is all that I’m guaranteed. It’s all that any of us are guaranteed. If there is something that I find that makes me happy, I embrace it with every fiber of my being – be it art, sport, or people. Conversely, if something leaves me empty, causes me discomfort, or generally leaves me less-off, why would I stick with it? We only have so many heartbeats; shouldn’t they all count for the most they can?

(Let me note that some short-term discomfort, for me, is critical to a longer-term goal or desire; just because I have a disagreement with a friend does not mean I discard them. The difficulty and displeasure that come with learning a new skill don’t mean I give up learning a new instrument, or writing a new piece.)

Before I digress completely…

Spending time with Natalie makes me indescribably happy. No matter whether we’re chatting in between customers at the bar, wandering aimlessly through the museum, hanging out in bigger groups of friends, or spending an entire weekend day in bed, shooting the shit about whatever idiocy crosses one of our minds, she makes me glow (other people’s words, not mine — though I can feel what they’re talking about, so we’ll roll with that). We connect on a level that I don’t recall ever experiencing . We have so many commonalities, both surface and core, but we also have such different upbringings and backgrounds and experiences that she has an endless fount of things that I can learn from her.

There is no guarantee of tomorrow. There is no guarantee that I’ll finish typing this sentence. Why should I not wrap my arms around things that make me happy with every ounce of strength and enthusiasm that I am capable of?

This concept of too fast, too much — it’s foreign. Why not grab life by the balls and run? Why not introduce someone who has grabbed your heart to your friends, to your family, shout their names and how they make you feel from the rooftops, find every stranger and passer-by and tell them how wonderful life can be? Circumstances, life, the everything could change a minute from now. The world can fall apart. Strokes, heart attacks, bus accidents and plane crashes and lightning strikes happen. Live your life, and do so with no concern of the opinions of others. Do what makes you happy.

Do what makes you happy.

*your mileage may vary. no representation is made that this advice or my point of view is any better or worse than similar services offered by opinionated idiots on the Interwebs. But seriously, unless it involves kids or harm to others: do what makes you happy.

Salt

Let me walk under weight like waves,
and find the fool in the courage craved
I’ll run into the house as it’s burning
I can make it to the morning
So I’ll find the revolution in a breath
Square one always felt like the start of something beautiful
I have been here before
I can stand in my body like I own it

So bring me my tomorrow
I swear by my sorrow, her hopeful hands to bear me
Bring me my tomorrow

Light my sins in the lens of fault
Let my edges blur as I stand like salt
This dead head vessel blind to the curtain
Let the siren sing certain
If I could be rid of this, I would in a breath
My words are a whisper,
but at least I can call them mine
Call out the warning
More than a mantra,
I can make it to the morning

So bring me my tomorrow
I swear by my sorrow, her hopeful hands to bear me
Bring me my tomorrow

I know every word,
all this cold talk of redemption,
but the night can’t hold a candle to shadows that I can’t overcome
It was always there
Growing louder yet
Give me sight in the silence,
and god help me, give me sleep

This softness I’m waiting weightless for,
with only one thing more to ask these fragile bones in the end

Was it gentle?
‘Cause I need her to know
But tomorrow hangs like a promise
I can’t keep it alone,
but I’ll meet you there

This softness I’m waiting weightless for,
with only one thing more to ask these fragile bones

Stand, and bring me my tomorrow
Bring me my tomorrow
I swear by my sorrow, her hopeful hands to bear me
Bring me my tomorrow

More
More than the sum of scars
More than the rope’s end
More
More than a call to arms
More than the harm
You’re more
More than the damage done
More than the hopeless
More
More than the dawn
More than the end
More than a mantra
You.

Adrian Goleby / James Grey / Samuel Vallen (Caligula’s Horse / © Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd.)

file under: things that should be remembered (pt i)

The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock 

T. S. ELIOT

S’io credesse che mia risposta fosse
A persona che mai tornasse al mondo,
Questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse.
Ma percioche giammai di questo fondo
Non torno vivo alcun, s’i’odo il vero,
Senza tema d’infamia ti rispondo.

Let us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky
Like a patient etherized upon a table;
Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
The muttering retreats
Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
Streets that follow like a tedious argument
Of insidious intent
To lead you to an overwhelming question …
Oh, do not ask, “What is it?”
Let us go and make our visit.

In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michelangelo.

The yellow fog that rubs its back upon the window-panes,
The yellow smoke that rubs its muzzle on the window-panes,
Licked its tongue into the corners of the evening,
Lingered upon the pools that stand in drains,
Let fall upon its back the soot that falls from chimneys,
Slipped by the terrace, made a sudden leap,
And seeing that it was a soft October night,
Curled once about the house, and fell asleep.

And indeed there will be time
For the yellow smoke that slides along the street,
Rubbing its back upon the window-panes;
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate;
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea.

In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michelangelo.

And indeed there will be time
To wonder, “Do I dare?” and, “Do I dare?”
Time to turn back and descend the stair,
With a bald spot in the middle of my hair —
(They will say: “How his hair is growing thin!”)
My morning coat, my collar mounting firmly to the chin,
My necktie rich and modest, but asserted by a simple pin —
(They will say: “But how his arms and legs are thin!”)
Do I dare
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.

For I have known them all already, known them all:
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;
I know the voices dying with a dying fall
Beneath the music from a farther room.
               So how should I presume?

And I have known the eyes already, known them all—
The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase,
And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin,
When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall,
Then how should I begin
To spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways?
               And how should I presume?

And I have known the arms already, known them all—
Arms that are braceleted and white and bare
(But in the lamplight, downed with light brown hair!)
Is it perfume from a dress
That makes me so digress?
Arms that lie along a table, or wrap about a shawl.
               And should I then presume?
               And how should I begin?

Shall I say, I have gone at dusk through narrow streets
And watched the smoke that rises from the pipes
Of lonely men in shirt-sleeves, leaning out of windows? …

I should have been a pair of ragged claws
Scuttling across the floors of silent seas.

And the afternoon, the evening, sleeps so peacefully!
Smoothed by long fingers,
Asleep … tired … or it malingers,
Stretched on the floor, here beside you and me.
Should I, after tea and cakes and ices,
Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis?
But though I have wept and fasted, wept and prayed,
Though I have seen my head (grown slightly bald) brought in upon a platter,
I am no prophet — and here’s no great matter;
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,
And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker,
And in short, I was afraid.

And would it have been worth it, after all,
After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,
Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,
Would it have been worth while,
To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
To have squeezed the universe into a ball
To roll it towards some overwhelming question,
To say: “I am Lazarus, come from the dead,
Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all”—
If one, settling a pillow by her head
               Should say: “That is not what I meant at all;
               That is not it, at all.”

And would it have been worth it, after all,
Would it have been worth while,
After the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets,
After the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail along the floor—
And this, and so much more?—
It is impossible to say just what I mean!
But as if a magic lantern threw the nerves in patterns on a screen:
Would it have been worth while
If one, settling a pillow or throwing off a shawl,
And turning toward the window, should say:
               “That is not it at all,
               That is not what I meant, at all.”

No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be;
Am an attendant lord, one that will do
To swell a progress, start a scene or two,
Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool,
Deferential, glad to be of use,
Politic, cautious, and meticulous;
Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse;
At times, indeed, almost ridiculous—
Almost, at times, the Fool.

I grow old … I grow old …
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.

Shall I part my hair behind?   Do I dare to eat a peach?
I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach.
I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.

I do not think that they will sing to me.

I have seen them riding seaward on the waves
Combing the white hair of the waves blown back
When the wind blows the water white and black.
We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown
Till human voices wake us, and we drown.

Source: Collected Poems 1909-1962 (1963)

(re)awakening

Vacation. Mid-winter February, another city somewhere in America. The world is dull, muted. Colors are dirty faded versions of themselves. Sounds are distant and staticky. Touch is like being separated from the world by a thin wool body suit, taste is bland no matter how much spice is added.

Nothing feels like it should. Maybe memory lies, or romanticizes the past. The only thing that feels real, the only spark of life is brought by negative — anger, sadness, nostalgia. All of which quickly spiral out of control too often to a sense of hopelessness, nihilism, some sort of Nietzschean cage.

On a whim, a text is sent. Questionable purpose, maybe none at all, outside of seeking connection. And another is received, and poetry is shared, and suddenly things start to make some sense — a vague, shapeless, probably imagined sense, but enough so that it feels like a lifeline, or maybe a voice calling out from safety.


A memory:

A crossword puzzle, appropriate for ages 8-14 probably. A picture of galaxies and star clusters and other astronomical bodies set against starry black, probably meant to inspire said pre-teens to learn more about the heavens. The end picture was likely cartoonish, or clearly hand-painted. But it stuck, and eventually became a dream dreamt twice through a life: once the night after completing the puzzle, and once more. The dream was set at night, though you had to just know in your bones that it was night, because it was bright out, the entire globe of the sky filled from one horizon to the other with the puzzle image — galaxies, supernovae, moons, planets, comets — so close that they seem palable if it were actually advisable to touch, say, a red giant or the heart of Andromeda.

It’s close, but honestly, no image can capture that dream

That dream was broken by a new day, begun with the strangest mix of raw elation and crushing sorrow, of having been touched by something uniquely beautiful that will never come one’s way again. But the memory, as they say, remains.


Home, current day. Same Bat-time, same Bat-channel, only it’s not. Because the dream recurred, as vivid and hyperreal and tactile as memory served. Only on waking, the sense of once-in-a-lifetime enjoyment is lessened. Because the dream returned, for a second and maybe not the last time. Because the waking world is more like remembered from long ago.

Where only weeks before was the cinema of the ’40s, the album quality of the ’50s, the food quality of those horrible ads for Jello and ham and black olive casseroles of the 1970s magazines aimed at lonely housewives chained to their husbands’ bidding — now, here, rich and glorious color in high-definition 8K at 60 frames per second on an IMAX screen, full bullet-time surround sound with a sub-woofer that rattles one’s very soul. The air has that quality of the immediately-post-rain wonder: clean, clear, as though the gods had just finished their weekly washing chores, colors brighter than anyone can remember, that springtime petrichor freeing the mind of everything but the here, the now.

It doesn’t matter so much where we are, as much as: we’re not in Kansas anymore.