We teach best that which we most need to learn.

*

When you say about a dog or a cat, “That’s just who they are,” well — that’s just who they are. Animal personalities can’t be changed internally; they have no concept of what’s healthy or unhealthy, right or wrong. As a human you can try to train the behavior out of them, though positive or negative reinforcement, but otherwise, they are what they is. Why should they change, after all? Hasn’t this behavior worked fine for their survival so far?

But humans — we get so attached to ourselves that we stand firmly, hands wrapped around the nearest light pole or oak tree and refuse to change. That’s just who we are, we say. That’s a part of me, for better or worse.

But if it’s for worse, why do we steadfastly hold on to that? Rebeliousness? Pride?

I truly believe that you should NEVER change for another person, not one bit. Not because they ask or demand it. But if there’s a trait that you have — pride, sloth, impulse control, whatever — perhaps you might consider letting it go for yourself.

That might make it easier to hold on to the other parts of yourself that are so wonderful, maybe.

*

“We move in circles
Balanced all the while
On a gleaming razor’s edge

A perfect sphere
Colliding with our fate
This story ends where it began”

– Dream Theater, Octavarium

And that’s my horrific thought for the day.

*

Am I at a point in my life where I am capable of being in a relationship?

There are sacrificces that have to be made in relationships. You have to be willing to give up some thigns that you want in order to give the other person what they need, sometimes. Attention, time, etc… And I’m not sure that I’m there.

I’m not sure that I ever have been.

My values are different from most people. Most people see their future, their mark on the world, through children (never mind that too many people see children as a way to live out dreams that they never had the balls to chase themselves…). I had someone recently tell me that she hoped to leave her mark on the world with a child that was a better person than she; that’s an admirable hope.

Me, though — not so interested in children. I was once, but I believe honestly that I have only met one – maybe two, but I lean towards the singular – woman with whom I would ever have had children (Melissa, second wife, by the way). And if you ask what the difference between her and the rest of the world is, I’ll tell you that i have no idea. It’s a gut thing; and the more I think about it, the more that I suspect it has to do with my abilities and fears about fatherhood than her (or anyone else’s) abilities as a mother.

And so, having destroyed that relationship (and the likelihood that I will ever [intentionally] have a child), I move back to my goals of leaving my mark on the world, through art of some sort. And I work, and work, and work, writing and making movies and music and coming up with new ideas and half-finishing them. And it’s in those moments that I’m happiest, releasing my creative side. Things rarely come out as good as I want them to, but I know I’m getting better each time, and besides — I enjoy the process.

And that’s so much easier than relating to people, way too much of the time.

And it’s amazingly good distraction. You find yourself unable to focus on the work at the same time that you’re thinking about all the depressing parts of your life – so the depressing stuff gets shoved to the back while you work.

Ah, yes, and the workaholic is born again.

For thirty years, where have I been?

And I’m not even sure that I know what “leaving my mark” means: short-term fame? Money? Critical raves?

But I am fairly sure that it will never be enough, and that I will always push myself to do more, to want more, to be more. And that’s a scary thought.

And maybe it’s time to re-evaluate all this.

And maybe Montana’s not looking so bad after all. A week under the stars, laying in big piles of rattlesnakes and cowshit — that couldn’t possibly be a bad idea, could it?

*

Isn’t it ironic, Alanis?

The existence of the thing that you want most can only become possible by the absolute and utter destruction of the possibility that the thing you most want can ever exist.

To wit: only by knowing that certain things can never happen have I been able to create the conditions in the world and changes within myself that would have been necessary for those things to happen.

*

(Those pure and virgin apprehensions I had
from the beginning, and that warmth I felt when
I was young were the best unto this day
I knew that there is much more to…)

these days will be forever mine

…find
(… so I celebrate again…)

now I am standing here among your faces
a new constellation
enfold me, share my confidence
awake now, you should be there at every turn
all prevalent images confirm the spirit
to search for an answer
am I worthy of recalling my deepest well
from where all waters torn off?

I’ll break free
confusion will be the audience of my existence
the euphoric sense of the flying
defines me and my inner dance

(…to seem the stranger falls my lot)
yet all your glowing eyes reflecting slumber
they long for a distance
have I seen them on the edge of dreams
or been there
I don’t know whatever that means

I’ll break free
confusion will be the audience of my existenc
the euphoric sense of the flying
defines me and my inner dance

I see a broken (clown) man
a paralysed shape without form
the past lapping him
like a cloak of
pain

the more he vanished into the dark
the deeper I felt a serious loss in my heart
but I guess it must be the flag of my disposition
not to linger
but to follow the crowd

I’ll break free
confusion will be the audience of my existence
the euphoric sense of the flying
blindfolded and turning into swans

(I didn’t know that they were born or should die, but
I know that it is easy to forget what I came for
among so many who have always lived here…)