Teen arrested after mom found in freezer – Crime & Punishment – MSNBC.com:
…People close to the family described the teenager as very quiet and a good student, with no history of violent behavior…
Seriously, everyone: if they ever somehow miraculously manage to track down the secret burial ground where I’ve hidden the bodies (not to mention connecting the evidence, no matter how badly decomposed and tampered, thanks to a flame thrower, gallons of lye, and my own napalm-like recipe of gasoline, packing peanuts, and toothpaste), I want you all to say this about me when talking to the media:
Yeah, we wondered when this was coming. I mean, he had a clean life and his background checked out, but we knew it was only because he paid the right people and killed the rest. For chrissakes, he almost failed out of high school, and anyone that anal-retentive who listens to heavy metal well into their thirties has some problems, you know? Frankly, I’m just surprised it took you pigs this long to catch him. He’s not that smart, you know. Hmmm. I guess just lucky…
Fine. For the sake of my mother, who hates when I joke about such things as me finally breaking the Green River Killer’s record for “Longest Trail of Bodies Left by a Single Unidentified Person” : I’m not joking.
Okay! Alright. Stop hitting me. Statistically, you really don’t have to worry about me. Most serial killers are between 18 and 34, male, single, loners… And see? I turn 35 this year. And I’m not really single, at least in the sense that I’m fairly sure that CL would notice if I were gone for long, unexplained stretches of time. Of course, I could always blame that on her blood sugar problems…
Hang on. I’m just making myself a little note, here.
Okay, I’m back. Where was I? Oh, yeah. No worries about me, unless you look at the fact that I like to defy common knowledge based on statistics. Or unless you consider that I might have gotten started years and years ago — say, when I was between the ages of 18 and 34. Or if you think about the fact that it’s middle-aged men that have sudden bursts of anger that translate into massive body counts, usually in the workplace.
But seriously, it could happen.
No, I just like keeping people on their toes, making them wonder a little here and there. Oh, and don’t fire me. And CL, you might think twice about this before you ever have an affair. Or leave me because I’ve started talking back to the voices in my head at really audible volumes. Or burning my dinner.
*I’m kidding here, people. I promise. Of course, by kidding, I mean, “tossing the idea out there to see what kind of response I get, just in case I ever decide that, hey — maybe a prolonged killing spree followed by a nomadic life on the run punctuated by occasional random homicides (just to stay in practice for the eventual invasion of the alien overlords from Sirius that the voices assure me will happen in my lifetime)… Yeah, that sounds like a really good way to break the monotony of a Saturday afternoon.”