When I grow up…

I want to be a grown-up. That’s all; simplicity itself. When I grow up, I want to be a grown up.

I want to have my shit together, internally and externally.

I want to know what I want out of life. No more paradoxical desires — to be rich beyond belief but non-materialistic; to have faith in a higher power but remain open-minded; to be an adult with the heart and mind of a child.

I want to have decided long ago what I want to do with my life, what I would be happy doing for the span of my career.

I want to have practiced and practiced until I’m the best at what I do.

I want to have not screwed myself financially so young; and to have learned from having done so, and not repeated the error time and again.

I want to feel more stable across long spans of time.

I want to not be so aware that things could be worse. I want to not feel bad about wishing for better just because there are others so much worse off than myself.

I want to be able to step back, dissect and analyze my problems, and solve them. A success rate of 3 for 5 seems appropriate.

I want to be compensated for the work I do for other people. And I hope that I can fairly compensate people for what they provide me.

I want to never put the free in freelance. Or the lance either, for that matter.

Or, I want to be an astronaut.

Either one would be fine.

Lots of built up thoughts, part I

Perhaps an elitist or arrogant thought (and if it’s not, then the process leading up to it certainly is, as is the resulting chain): the people that you surround yourself with help determine your future path.

And by this I mean: the more successful the people around you, the more likely you will be successful. And not just riding on coattails (though that never hurts); it’s an issue of drive, ambition, having a pace runner on the track to keep you moving.

Surround yourself with people who aim low, and odds are good that you will find it more acceptable to do the same.

Surround yourself with escapists, and you will more likely follow them down those dangerous paths.

So: can you adjust this by being aware of the fact? Can you split your time between ambitious and lazy people, knowing the effects, and force yourself to ignore the lazy influence? Can a limited dose of intelligence and drive overpower an equal amount of immaturity?

I wonder this for my own sake, as well as for that of others.

And is it wrong to hope to influence others well? Or is that bordering on messianic tendencies?

It’s amazing how much can be understood about human dynamics, the hidden backgrounds of relationships, if you pay attention through your life.

With just a little bit of the participants’ histories and a glimpse of observation of the way they interact, it’s frightening how much I understand things that are so totally foreign to me.

And so I am left with the question of whether to leave it alone and let it ride, or to try to do something about it. And if the latter, what? How deeply do I get involved?

Or do I stick with my pact of “non-involvement in potential drama?” That seems like the safest way, in the long run, but is it the right thing to do? Do I havea responsibility to do otherwise?

When does helping someone who needs it (but has not asked for it) become interference?

My ship is about due to come in, creatively & financially. I tend toward thinking that I haven’t been active enough in shifting things from free to profitable, but I know that’s not the case (when I stop and think about it). So that leaves me with the knowledge that, way too often, I’m being too nice, too giving.

But shouldn’t that balance out eventually? Isn’t that the way karma works?

Why do I believe so firmly in karma when it involves balancing the negatives that I’ve created or caused, but not so much so when it should mean that I’m gaining from it?

Le fucking sigh.

Why are abnormal things bad?

Deviant sexual behavior is not necessarily bad, right (right-wing morons can take comments to someone who cares)? It’s not practiced by the majority, but if both parties consent, then it’s okay… right?

And some mental issues are by nature bad — depression, for instance. But what about mania? It’s not a painful condition to experience (though the after-effects can be; but that can be controlled through self-awareness, at least in my case). Schizophrenia is scary, but I’ve known a few mildly schizoprhenic people who were okay with it (these, obviously, were more of the grandeur than persecution varieties).

So why do we insist on calling things that are different by negative labels? Codependent relationships — or for that matter, relationships that are founded on something other than what “experts” tell us is right — are “unhealthy.” Different ways of thinking are branded “abnormal” (not inherently a negative term, but often connoted as such) or “weird” or “fucked up.”

Why can’t different just be different? Why do we (and I admit to inclusion, though I’m trying hard to change that) insist on judging and condemning things that are not in our nature or experience instead of learning and experiencing?

If I didn’t hold most philosophy students in such low regard, I would have gotten a graduate degree in the subject.

Which would qualify me to do nothing more than verbally masturbate for money.

Now that I put it that way, it doesn’t sound so bad. Although, as Chance and I both like to say, ” Good work — *if* you can get it.”

Justice? Here, then, is your justice:

Freestar Media, LLC: “Justice Souter’s vote in the ‘Kelo vs. City of New London’ decision allows city governments to take land from one private owner and give it to another if the government will generate greater tax revenue or other economic benefits when the land is developed by the new owner.

On Monday June 27, Logan Darrow Clements, faxed a request to Chip Meany the code enforcement officer of the Towne of Weare, New Hampshire seeking to start the application process to build a hotel on 34 Cilley Hill Road. This is the present location of Mr. Souter’s home.”

Brilliant! This has to go through — and then the authors of the Patriot Act and every politician that supported it should have their library records and internet logs released to the public.

Bookmarked: free games

Tom’s Hardware Guide Games & Entertainment: Ten Free Games Worth Downloading – Free Games? What, Like A Pong Remake?: “Still, a little patience and a lot of browsing through sites like Acid-Play, GameHippo and Game Maker Games brought up a lot of hopefuls. That eventually resulted in this list of ten titles – in no particular order – that you should check out, just to see what gamers are up to in their free time. Trust me, some of these are good enough that you’d like to see them appear in a box one day.”

Allergies kicked my ass today

So if there’s rumors of me getting fired, just remember — they had good cause.

No, wait. I mean…

But getting past the stuffed up head and the metric shitload of snot:

I’ve really come a long way over the past years in my comfort level in myself, and in getting past my insecurities. Tonight was good proof of that.

Life is wonderful today, if never again.

It’s good to remember the happy times in life.